Race Car Stuff

10. Casket features GM Goodwrench paint scheme

9. The deceased is referred to as being out of provisionals

8. Heart-stirring eulogy delivered by Dr. Jerry Punch

7. Amazing Grace is performed by a nine-year-old girl from Bristol, Tenn. - Who has all her teeth

6. Only first 43 cars are allowed in the procession

5. Hearse referred to as a pace car

4. Procession weaves back and forth to keep heat in the tires

3. Cars caught speeding leaving the church have to go to the rear of the procession

2. First-time mourners have a yellow rookie stripe on the truck of their cars

and the No. 1 sign youre at a NASCAR fans funeral
No coolers over 14 inches allowed in the chapel.

Manual: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Manual: Rotate counterclockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vice grips then beat repeatedly with hammer, counterclockwise
Manual: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Manual: As described in Chapter 7…
Translation: That’ll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Manual: Pry…
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…
Manual: Undo…
Translation: Go buy a can of WD40 (catering size).
Manual: Retain tiny spring…
Translation: “Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out”!
Manual: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
Translation: OK - that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Manual: Lightly…
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be ‘lightly’ what you are doing now.
Manual: Weekly checks…
Translation: If it isn’t broken don’t fix it!
Manual: Routine maintenance…
Translation: If it isn’t broken… it’s about to be!
Manual: One wrench rating.
Translation: Your Mom could do this… so how did you manage to botch it up?
Manual: Two wrench rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ‘ikkle number… but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Manual: Three wrench rating.
Translation: But Nova’s are easy to maintain right… right? So you think three Nova wrenches has got to be like a ‘regular car’ two wrench job.
Manual: Four wrench rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren’t you, you plebe!
Manual: Five wrench rating.
Translation: OK - but don’t expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Manual: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this…
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Manual: Compress…
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering “bugger” repeatedly under your breath.
Manual: Inspect…
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife “Yep, as I thought, it’s going to need a new one”!
Manual: Carefully…
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Manual: Retaining nut…
Translation: Yes, that’s it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Manual: Get an assistant…
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Manual: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Manual: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Manual: Pry away plastic locating pegs…
Translation: Snap off…
Manual: Using a suitable drift…
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn’t a suitable drift!
Manual: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an Phone Card & Mobile Phone
Manual: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn’t moderate heat.
Manual: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do!
For Added Manual Fun:
Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in “mine will never look like that…”

Flick to the end and look at the colour spark plug pictures, how do these compare to the spark plugs in your car? If you cannot locate the spark plugs in your car see the last translation on the list!

NB:Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist

I did not write this, the source is unknown.

I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead, get it out of the way.
You wake up in an old age home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and then you finish off as an orgasm.

It’s got to be better this way cause this getting old sucks!

I have been having some attitude problems in life lately. My good friend Steve has tried to brighten things up a little for me today with a couple of things I thought I would pass along.

When the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

and

Some people are like slinkies…
They really don’t have a purpose…
But they still bring a smile to your face…
When you push them down the stairs……

Hope they made you smile too….

Are you a real Racer?
You might be a Racer if…….?

Count the number of “Yes” answers to the following questions and see how you stack up!:

1) You sometimes hear little noises from your passengers when you get on the throttle right after turning a corner.

2) You thoroughly enjoy showing the tailgater behind you how to drive a Racecar around an exit ramp.

3) Your e-mail address refers to your Racecar rather than to you.

4) You buy new parts because you forgot where you put the spares.

5) You bought a Racecar before buying a house.

6) You’re looking for a tow vehicle and still haven’t bought new furniture

7) You know you need a new house because you’ve outgrown your garage and the neighbors are threatening violence if you park one more vehicle on the street or in the front yard.

8)The requirements you gave your Real Estate agent are:
—1. Four car garage with workshop.
—2. Outside parking for six cars.
—3. Three phase outlets in the workshop for your welder.
—4. Next to a service station.
—5. Deaf neighbors.
—6. Across the street from a paint and body shop.
—7. Some sort of house with a working toilet and shower on the property.

9) You measure all family acquisitions in terms of the number of Racecar parts/tools that could have been purchased instead.

10) You know well that dental work is the equivalent of three sets of tires, or a new transmission, or a new carburator for your Racecar.

11) You sit in your Racecar in a dark garage and make car noises and shift while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop.

12) You look at the purchase of tools as a long-term investment.

13) Your wife says, ” If you’re buying another Racecar, I’m buying a ————.”

14) Your garage holds more Racecars than your house has bedrooms.

15) You have enough spare parts to build another Racecar.

16) You have car parts on your desk at work.

17) More than one Racecar supplier recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.

18) You can’t remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.

19) You plan your wedding around the racing schedule.

20) Your Christmas/birthday wish list begins and ends with Racecar parts/tools or a car.

21) After your answer to: “What did you do this weekend ?” the next question is always “You do this for fun, right?”

22) You have a separate drawer for your garage clothes.

23) Your reading material in the bathroom consists of Racecar part supply catalogs and back issues of Racecar Magazines.

24) Your criteria for selecting a partner include auto repair skills - air tools optional.

25) You’ve paid $6 per gallon of gasoline without complaining.

26) You remember the intimate details of every Racecar you’ve owned, but can’t remember your phone number.

27) Your family brings the couch into the garage so they can spend some time with you.

28) You hate long-distance driving, but will gladly drive 1000 miles to a race track.

29) You save broken car parts as mementoes.

30) After you tell your wife where you’d like to go on your vacation, she answers : “Why….is there a race there ?” (of course the answer is yes…..)

31) You name your child ( or pet ) after something Racecar related.

32) You can remember significant dates in the history of Racing, but not wedding anniversaries or the birthdays of your children or family members.

33) Dress clothes consist of blue jeans and a clean T shirt with any sort of Racecar logo / photo emblazoned across the front of it.

34) Family portraits include one of the cars.

35) While driving down the highway at 70mph, you can spot a portion of an old Racecar peeking from a garage, tucked behind a building, etc.

36) You can recognize a particular car part at a swap meet and know exactly what it is and came off, but to see a person you know but haven’t seen for a couple of years, you can’t recall their name.

37) Regarding someone you’ve met just a matter of a couple of weeks before at a race, you won’t remember their name, but as soon as they tell you what Racecar they drove, you instantly remember the car and everything about it, but still draw a blank on the owners name.

38) When someone reintroduces themselves to you, you say ” Oh, the owner of the ——– ”

39) You know how to rebuild an entire car, but don’t know how to cook, do laundry, etc.

40) You remember exactly where a part is stashed in the garage, but after living in the same house for years, still don’t know where certain things are in the kitchen.

(along with responses)

…You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight.
Why do airplanes turn them upside-down????

…You feel compelled on a road trip to beat your previous best time.
Compelled is not the correct expression, but it is definately a challenge.

…You are happiest when your street car’s tires are worn to racing depth (wear bars showing)
And they are still good until you get cord showing, or they get too many heat-cycles

…When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved.
If it fell off, it obviously was not necessary to make it go faster!

…You change engine oil every other week
Ok sometimes I stretch it a little longer during the off-season (aka winter).

…Your email address refers to your race car rather than to you.
Does the domain highrpm.net count?

…You’ve paid $4.50 a gallon for gas without complaining.
You have noticed that race gas hasn’t gone up as much as that 93 octane crap.

…You buy new parts because you don’t know where you put the spares.
And you find the spares after you sold or totaled the racecar.

…You bought a race car before buying a house.
Well, the car did need a garage/shop.

…You bought a race car before buying furniture for the new house.
Ever notice how nice a small block Ford looks on an engine stand in the corner of the living room?

…You’re looking for a tow vehicle and still haven’t bought furniture!
They are the one thing related to racing that holds its value.

…You look at the purchase of tools as a long term investment.
Craftsman, Mac, or Snap-on. Lifetime investments.

…Your garage holds more cars than your house has bedrooms.
You are going to be living alone anyway, except when the crew works late and crashes rather than going home.

…You have enough spare parts to build another car.
Only one????

…More than one racer supply house recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call.
They are my best friends, along with the UPS man.

…You think the last line of the Star Spangled Banner is: “Gentlemen, start your engines!”
I know my history well enough to know that they only raced horses back then.

…If you can’t remember when you last worked on weekdays and rested on weekends.
Shhhhhhhh. The guy that writes the paychecks might read this.

…You’re registered for wedding gifts at Summit and Jegs.
Don’t forget Racers Wholesale.

…People know you by your car not your name.
I am sonetimes surprised when the people don’t look like the kind of person who would drive that car.

…You plan your wedding around the race schedule
Didn’t I already give you the definition of of-season.

…You astound the clerk at Sears by bringing in a snapped breaker bar every other week or so.
It is a different tool each time, not always a breaker bar.

…You remember the dates and details of every race you’ve ever been in, but can’t remember your wife’s birthday.
I do to remember her birthday (thanks to web based date reminders).

…You hate long distance driving, but you will gladly drive 800 miles to the race track.
The trip to the track is easy, the trip home is always rough.

…You think that traction control and ABS are for those who can’t drive.
Of course!!! and dyno “races” are for those not skilled enough to drive in a straight line for 1/4 mile.

…You save broken car parts as “mementos”.
The more pieces they are broken into, the better the memories.

…You’ve found your lawn mower runs pretty good on 108 octane gas (but doesn’t particularly care for alcohol).
What else can you do with the fuel you take our of the fuel cell for off-season storage.

…Instead of pictures in your wallet, you have timeslips
And pictures of the race car.

…You would choose a roll bar over air conditioning if it were an option.
If only we could be so lucky to have that choice.

…You consider the redline a “conservative suggestion”
If something breaks, you need to beef up the parts of the engine that failed during the next engine build.

…You regularly test your rev limiter.
On a piston engine, these are known as valve springs, on a rotary there is a buzzer that gives you a couple of seconds of warning.

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don’t you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place … clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! … Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! … Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7…
Translation: That’ll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry…
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into…

Haynes: Undo…
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease …
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to …

Haynes: Retain tiny spring…
Translation: “Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out”!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb…
Translation: OK - that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly…
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered “lightly”.

Haynes: Weekly checks…
Translation: If it isn’t broken don’t fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance…
Translation: If it isn’t broken… it’s about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this… so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number… but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won’t need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren’t you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don’t expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don’t ever carry your loved ones in it again and don’t mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this…
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress…
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering “******” repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect…
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife “Yep, as I thought, it’s going to need a new one”!

Haynes: Carefully…
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut…
Translation: Yes, that’s it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant…
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs…
Translation: Snap off…

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch…
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn’t a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn’t moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn’t come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat…
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don’t bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I’ve got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it’s got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given. The best one I encountered was how to change a brake sensor in a Ford Fiesta Popular Plus. The photo showing the location of the unit failed to mention the crucial detail of whether the item was located in the engine compartment or inside the car ….. and the helpful photo of what the thing looked like didn’t give the reader any clues!

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board princ iple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, “F….”

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, (or Solihul) and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short